The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
