apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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