Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My ATM looks so different sober.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
