the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
