Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
