trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
