Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
