The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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