new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
