She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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