The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
