What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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