I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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