he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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