can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize