I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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