I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize