The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
