so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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