Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Couch. On fire.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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