I showed him my bush... on skype.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
