You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
