I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
