You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
