I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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