just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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