so let's talk penis.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
