i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
