She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
