I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
