Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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