Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
