We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
