In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
