When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
