I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
