I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
FUCK WHALES
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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