Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
