So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
