walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
