porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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