you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My vagina is officially offended.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
