Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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