WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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