how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
