remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
