Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
