Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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