Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
