Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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