And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
