Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
