david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
