We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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