i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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