The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize