Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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