Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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