my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
