Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
