Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
