I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
