It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
